I, like everyone else I know, tend to pick up phrases and other amusing things concerning practically anything. This then is a list of silliness regarding the act of drinking coffee. It's not original and I've weeded out the worst of the worst. Enjoy!

Silly Coffee Notes

You know you drink too much coffee when…

All your kids are named "Joe."
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
People get dizzy just watching you.
People use your hands to blend their margaritas.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The only time you stand still is during an earthquake.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You answer the door before people knock.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't wait for the water to boil anymore.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You have a conniption fit over spilled milk.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffee mate."
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You short out motion detectors.
You ski uphill.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You've built a miniature city out of little wooden stir sticks.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You've worn out your third pair of athletic shoes this week.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Your three favorite things in life are… coffee before and coffee after.

Okay, some of those are just lame. Sue me!

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I don't know about you, but I am. One day I'll read a report on a coffee study that says coffee is bad for you. The next day I'll read a report that says coffee is good for you. One report will talk about the negative effects of caffeine. The next report will talk about the positive effects of caffeine. Are there really any coffee studies that provide a balanced view? Who pays for these studies? The latest study I read has a huge gaping hole in it.

The Morning Jolt

A report, published earlier this month, stated things that are obvious without stating what should be obvious.

Basically, the story reports that non-coffee drinkers become alert in the morning as quickly without coffee as coffee drinkers do with coffee. The study, as far as I can tell, doesn't take into consideration that not all non-coffee drinkers drink caffeine-free beverages in the morning. Some of them drink soda or hot tea, both of which contain caffeine. Of course, it doesn't seem to take decaffeinated coffee into consideration either.

What it leaves out, the big gaping hole, is the effect that coffee (with caffeine) has on people who don't drink coffee regularly. From my own experience with people like that, coffee has a stronger effect on them than any of the so called energy drinks.

It's Just Coffee

Regardless of any health benefits or lack thereof, most people I know drink coffee just because they like to drink coffee. It has nothing to do with being alert or getting a jolt from the caffeine in the morning.

It's not like regular coffee is man-made or anything, like soda and energy drinks. Coffee is made from the seeds of the coffee fruit, from the coffee plants, which are called coffee beans simply because they look like beans. Pure coffee grounds or pure instant coffee is made from ground up coffee beans (although you can eat chocolate-covered coffee beans at your own peril).

The only way that consuming coffee could be any more natural would be to eat the fruit as it comes from the plant. I hear they don't taste too good, but I've never tried one.

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I have had the debate time and time again over the validity of my coffee as compared to other friends' coffee. Yes, I add sugar and creamer, but that is how I like to have my coffee, much like some people prefer butter on their toast or salt and pepper on their dinner. Drinking coffee without any added ingredients can be commendable but the debate remains over what is the "true" way in which to drink coffee.

Discovered in the 9th century in Ethiopia, coffee spread throughout the North African world, infiltrating the Muslim culture until the 15th century when it was spread to the rest of Europe and on to the Americas. In many African cultures, such as those in Yemen and Ethiopia, coffee had an important role in many religious ceremonies and was therefore banned from secular consumption. The original coffee drinkers drank the coffee straight from the beans (the "pure" form), without any of the fancy additives which we now add, and was thought to counteract many stomach illnesses. While coffee did not experience the boom in North America that it did upon initial introduction in Europe, the demand grew during the Revolutionary War mostly due to the reduced availability of tea during this time. The American taste for coffee grew during the Civil War as increases in brewing technology led to a better tasting quality for everyone. This in turn led to coffee becoming the everyday commodity which we now know it to be.

Coffee users have since discovered a myriad of ways in which to prepare the beverage, from the traditional "black" coffee, to coffee with milk or cream, even iced coffee. Espresso-based coffee is even another way that was created in a shot form, or in a watered-down style of café américano. Milk can additionally be added to this drink to make a café latte, or equal parts of steamed milk and milk froth can make a cappuccino, or even a bit of hot foamed milk on top creates a caffé macchiato. Instant coffee has also become incredibly popular throughout the modern world for those coffee drinkers who do not wish to prepare their own. This increase in particular coffee use has also procured an increase in coffee shops throughout the world as well, with many Starbucks-esque shops which serve customers who want their coffee prepared with a certain flavor or added ingredients. This evolution from the early coffee drinkers who simply drank the "bunnu" fruit in Africa has been an amazing transition; most Americans today cannot fathom drinking coffee straight from its original source, especially without the specialized drinks they have now learned to love.

In the end, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to drink coffee, but if you want to debate over the methods, the original way to drink coffee was the preferred "black" way, although even Civil War Americans liked to add their milk to the mix. Coffee has become a staple of modern day society and many people now could not function without the caffeine it provides to their day, which is the main reason why this cash crop will never drop in value.

This post was contributed by Meredith Walker, who writes about the online nursing programs. She welcomes your feedback at MeredithWalker1983 at gmail.com

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